“YOU SHOULD CARRY ME across the threshold,” I suggested as I waited on the back stoop for him to unlock the door.
He inserted the key into the lock, then turned and looked at me. “It’s like starting over, isn’t it?”
And so a new phase begins in our lives. At this precise moment I am not embracing it, this becoming an empty nester after 26 ½ years of children under our roof.
I am sad and tired and exhausted from lack of sleep and am a bit of an emotional mess. How did my husband and I, 30 years married, arrive, snap, just like that, at this point of coming full circle back to only the two of us?
The son, moving into his dorm room at North Dakota State University.
Saturday morning we delivered our 18-year-old and his van full of belongings to the second floor of Johnson Hall at North Dakota State University in Fargo. (Or, more accurately, the energetic NDSU move-in crew carried everything from the lawn, down the sidewalk, up the stairs and to our son’s corner room at the tunnel end of a hallway.)
Leaving Fargo late Saturday morning, 285 miles from our Faribault home.
As cliché as it sounds, this truly marked for me a bittersweet moment of mixed emotions—realizing I’d done my part to raise our boy and now I had to trust him to make it on his own in a town, at a school, 5 ½ hours away.
I don’t care how many children you’ve left at college—and I’ve already seen my daughters, 26 and 24, through four years of post-secondary education and entry into the workforce—it is not easy to leave your kids, these children you’ve nourished and loved and held and cherished for 18 years. Not easy at all.
I’ve even been known to say, “I should have locked you kids in the basement and not let you go anywhere.”
Of course, I don’t mean that. I wouldn’t want any of my children to feel afraid or insecure or unable to set out on their own because I selfishly desired to keep them close. I have raised them to be strong, independent, venturesome adults.
When my eldest announced during her first semester of college that she would be going on a mission trip to Paraguay during spring break, I may have used that “should have locked you in the basement” phrase in the same breath as asking, “Where the heck is Paraguay?”
Then when her sister, several years later, said that she would be studying abroad in Argentina for fall semester, I muttered, “…should have locked you in the basement.”
When the son decided to join his high school Spanish class on a spring break trip to Spain, I mumbled to myself “…locked you in the basement.”
Humor helps when you are parenting, in those times when you don’t want your child to realize just how difficult it is to let go. I doubt, though, that I’ve ever totally fooled my three.
I am proud of myself, though, for never leaving a college dorm room in tears. I can be strong when I need to be, when my child needs me to be.
But I cried twice in the weeks before the son’s college departure date and he assured me, “Mom, it’s OK to be sad.” He was right.
My sons’ empty bed, which caused me to break down upon my arrival home Sunday afternoon.
And then I cried on Sunday, upon our arrival home from that weekend journey to Fargo. I walked into my boy’s upstairs bedroom and saw the rumpled sheets, his matted white teddy bear…and reality struck me. He’s gone.
I walked downstairs, told my husband I’d had my sad moment. Then I broke down and cried, deep wrenching sobs, and Randy wrapped his arms around me and held me.
Perhaps tomorrow he will carry me across the threshold.
© Copyright 2012 Audrey Kletscher Helbling
Minnesota Prairie Roots 
Oh no. What can I say. It is so hard this american tradition. And so quick. You mothers are very strong. My leave taking from my children just seemed to happen slowly as they shuffled about working out what they wanted to do with their lives. Coming and going and finally going, then coming back with washing then going, then coming back between jobs then going, then coming back with their new girlfriends then you see them both going. And now there you are the two of you and still young enough to be able to plan something really startling, No more basement talk tho Ma!! No locking your husband in the basement either! Or yourself.. c
Thanks for making me laugh this a.m., C. I would never lock myself or anyone in our basement. Way too scary.
I’ll have my son back for college breaks and maybe an occasional weekend and perhaps for summers, unless he stays in Fargo. He was looking at colleges in California, Michigan and Winnipeg, so I should simply be thankful he is as near as Fargo. My husband and I are both impressed by the friendliness of the people in Fargo and specifically at North Dakota State University. We are confident NDSU will be a good fit for our son. On Saturday he son was wishing classes would start on Monday. “I’m here and I’m paying for this,” he said. My, how we laughed. Soon he’ll be wishing for a day off from classes.
Your post rang true with me… Our boys have not lived with us for 5 years and I still miss them. Even with technology and knowing how well they are doing in the real world I often get sad at moments thinking of the good old days. I love the empty nest and each new stage of life buti still miss the boys. Here’s hoping you get carried across the threshold!
I suppose we mothers never truly stop missing our children once they leave our homes, do we? It is our job to raise them to independent adulthood. Getting them there seems the easy part to me, at least today.
My youngest moved into his first apartment this year, his junior year. Somehow the apartment made it seem more official that he is really getting ready to move ahead in his life. I don’t expect he’ll live at home next summer. As he drove away from home that day, I thought (exaggerating slightly), “This is it. I’ll never see him again.” The funny thing is, I think I have talked to him more since he’s been gone than when he was home this summer. “Hey, Mom, I have a question . . .” “Ma, how do you make sausage cheese balls?” “Hey Mom, whaddya think about this . . . ” And he’s driven 3 hours home twice already, just for the day, to get more stuff. You just can’t shake those kids off all that easily!
Your words are so encouraging. Thank you for sharing your experiences. The comments I’ve gotten thus far make me realize my feelings are a normal part of this letting go process.
I cried reading your post…..I’m doomed. We take our daughter (only child) 3 hours away to Mankato on Thursday. The other day, she called me her “best friend”. I’m not going to make it.
Yes, you are going to make it. Be strong, Dakota Girl. Easy for me to say when I’m feeling melancholy myself. But you can do it. Emotions will run strong and deep and it’s OK to be emotional and cry, as long as you don’t allow your feelings to create issues for your daughter. Try to keep your emotions in check in her presence when you are moving her in and leaving. I would also suggest allowing her to unpack most everything. That will give her something to do when you leave. Don’t hang around campus for too long. Move her in and then take off. We didn’t even stay for the meal we could have eaten at NDSU because it would have meant waiting around for another 1 1/2 hours. And we did not think that wise. So off we drove.
Also, resist the temptation to call and check how things are going. I emailed my son Sunday evening to update him on some extended family news from a reunion we attended after we left Fargo. I had a text message from him that he will call today. We’ll see… I’m allowing him his space and letting him check in with me first.
Good luck on Thursday. I’m not saying it will be easy for either of you, but you may be surprised at your strength. Hugs.
It’s so hard.
You too, huh? Why do they (whoever “they” are) not tell us this when we birth these children and when we are dealing with the temper tantrums of two-year-olds?
Current empty nesters keep telling me I’ll love being an empty nester. Time will tell.
I can sympathize with your emotions Audrey. I felt the same way two years ago when Davin and I took Megan up to Concordia St. Paul. It was probably the hardest day of my life, I cried all the way home and into the evening. The only thing I can tell you is that it WILL get easier. Last year when we helped her haul her stuff up, it didn’t hurt as bad, and it was more like “See ya” when it was time for us to leave. In fact, she is at home right now packing to move up there this Saturday, and I don’t dread it like I used to. It does help that she’s only 90 minutes away, and we do see her almost every weekend during basketball season. The hard part is her short little five or six day Christmas break. She always has to go back on Dec. 26th no matter what because even though there is no school almost that whole month, they still have games. You will be fine, just be thankful for all of the technology we have nowadays and talk to him often. I loved using Skype her freshman year because then I could see her face too.
Joan
Thanks for your encouragement, Joan. I know it will get better based on my experience with our girls. However, they attended colleges which were closer (Winona State and the University of Wisconsin, La Crosse) and were not the last child leaving home, which made their departures considerably easier. It’s just different with the last child leaving and then being five hours away. I know because of distance, we won’t see him all that often. I told my husband last night I’m not going to watch the weather on TV any more. I don’t want to see the weather map and be reminded how far away Fargo is from Faribault. Silly, huh? But such is my convoluted, and humorous, thinking right now.
Speaking of weather forecasts/predictions, I predict that by the end of this week I’ll be feeling just fine.
I can appreciate your heartfelt mommy emotions Audrey, my heart goes out for you as I’ve been there. Hang in there my friend, It’s just a hard time and nothing anyone says really helps that tugging heart, but as you know it will get better…it really will!
Thank you, Jackie. It does help, though, to read the comments of other moms, like you, who have experienced this letting go and understand what I am feeling.
Another of life’s great adventures that really stretches both sides (parent(s) and young person). Treasure the great memories that have transpired in the past and absolutely know that there are awesome moments coming…….like the classic moment when the most “creative” child-now-grown looks at you and states that he (or she) are amazed at what you, as parents, went through to raise them, earn a living, create a home, etc, etc! And how ‘wise’ you really are! I have had those moments with both of our sons…such a blessing! Hugs, Doreen
My husband and I were talking, sort of, about this very same thing tonight at the supper table. Great minds think alike, clearly.
Clearly….LOL!
I do not have children, so I cannot even imagine how heartbreaking this is. I know what it felt like when I finally left home and the adjustment period. Hang in there and hopefully embracing the empty nest thing will be a good thing in the long run.
Thank you. Many friends have told me that I will love being an empty nester. I expect I will, with time.
I teared up (as I often do reading your columns)over empty nest — my oldest is almost 40 and I am still suffering empty nest … the kids tease me that I still buy groceries for growing boys. You never quite get over it … they are with you always .,…
Yes, we are still mothers, no matter the age of our children. So I expect you are correct, we mothers never quite get over our children leaving home.
I would be sobbing too. I’d be a complete mess. What a new phase you have entered into. I’m sure it will take some adjusting. But he’ll still need you to be his mother xx
“…he’ll still need you to be his mother.” Exactly.
Oh, Audrey – I think I’ll be kind of where you are tomorrow when Lucy begins kindergarten…but not nearly as traumatic, really, as an empty nest. I’m glad the moving in went well – may you be able to enjoy the nest again, soon…
Oh, yes, Gretchen, I remember the tinge of sadness in sending each of my kids off to kindergarten, but more so with the last one. You’re entitled to feeling sad. I bet Lucy is excited though. I’m expecting a post on this kindergarten send-off. Writing helps, my friend.
Yes, I’m quite certain that I’ll photograph and post about it! Lucy is VERY excited, yes. She was thrilled to meet her teacher today.
I can just picture her all giddy and happy and adorable. Looking forward to your post and hoping the morning send-off isn’t too difficult for you.
Thanks, Audrey. I thought I’d be fine…now I’m not so certain!
Exactly how I felt before taking the son to college. Thought I’d be just fine and then not so certain.
I’d cry, too! I cried when my nieces and nephews left after only a month and a half. I cannot imagine what a basketcase I might have been if they were actually mine.
With time, I’m sure you’ll fill your life with adventures and stories as well as the tales of visiting all three kids.
I’ve had so much support from readers like you, and friends, that I am already feeling better. Thank you. Last night I talked to my boy, which sort of helped, sort of didn’t. Now two of my kids live 10 hours apart, the one in eastern Wisconsin, the other in eastern North Dakota. That’s still way closer than D.C. The third is only 45 minutes away in Minneapolis.
Well, at least he left his bed for you to make. 🙂
I stripped it yesterday and washed everything. So now we have a bed for you to sleep in should you come home for a visit when your brother is not here.
It is truly hard!! I hope he likes it at school, last year was my empty nest, what with moving to a new town, leaving her at college my tears were many. This year is a little better, but still hard..Hope your “new normal” days get better.
Oh, Bernie, you had it doubly hard what with the move on top of the empty nest. I’m glad this year is better for you. I’m doing OK, not super, but OK. I’m convinced time will make it easier. Such has been the case in the past.
Oh, Audrey!!!! I know it’s hard for them to leave!!!
We lived in Moorhead for 7 years–moved back to Southern MN in 2001. Our 2nd oldest has just started her Senior year at UND, Grand Forks!
In fact we have 2 in college right now. But alas, I still have 2 at home, 16 and nearly 11–I WILL NEVER BE DONE!
If you need to borrow them let me know! 🙂
Stacey
Grand Forks would be even farther than Fargo. Hmmmm, I’ll have to think about borrowing your two. Do they cook or clean or paint or …?