I’LL ADMIT TO A BIT of melancholy. My son, my youngest, returned to college in Fargo on Sunday. I try not to think that he is 300 miles away to the west, just like my second daughter lives and works 300 miles to the east in Appleton, Wisconsin.
I realize they could live much more distant. Five hours by car in the big wide world is nothing really.
But to a mom accustomed to 26 years of direct face-to-face parenting, the switch to no children in the house is huge.
The funny thing is that I thought I’d adapted. And then, lo, the son returns home for three weeks of Christmas vacation and I get used to him being around and it’s kind of nice to hear that “Mom, can I have a hug?” It’s wonderful to rest my head against my boy, who towers above me. I didn’t mind washing his laundry or weaving around his belongings scattered upon the living room floor. I found myself planning meals based on what he might enjoy; one day I even made his favorite banana cream pie.
Yes, I rather spoiled him.
But not too much.
He accused me in one particular moment of being a helicopter mom. I try hard not to do that, to interfere, to suggest, to offer too much advice. But apparently in this instance I had. I suppose that is one of the toughest parts of parenting, realizing that sometimes lessons are better learned on their own. Miss a deadline and you suffer the consequences. Make the wrong decision and you have to deal with the outcome. Yet, steering our offspring from erring seems a natural parental response.
Our 18-year-old son, shortly before my husband and I left him in his dorm room on the campus of North Dakota State University in mid-August.
Prior to holiday break, I’d seen my son only four times since mid-August. And each time I noticed subtle changes in him which indicate growth in maturity and independence. He seems also to appreciate me more.
I continue to be impressed by his determination, his constant desire and drive to learn (often on his own), his focus, his discipline.
On numerous occasions, as he huddled over his laptop and a physics book these past few weeks, I had to remind him that he was on Christmas break and should, therefore, take a break from studying. But he seemed persistent in preparing for the physics exam he will soon take in an effort to test out of a class.
The afternoon he bounded down the stairs to tell me he made the dean’s list with a 4.0 GPA and that he’s six credits shy of junior year status going into his second semester at North Dakota State University, he was beaming and I wrapped him in a proud mama hug.
One of my all-time favorite portraits of my son at age 5.
In moments like that, I gaze at him and wonder how nearly 19 years could have passed already. Since birth he’s been his own person, the biggest baby in the hospital at the time weighing in at 10 pounds, 12 ounces. He walked at 10 months. He was putting together 100-piece puzzles by age four. Legos were his passion. He taught himself all about computers. He taught himself to yo-yo and then how to unicycle and then yo-yoing and unicycling together. Now he’s learning juggling.
His quest for knowledge seems unstoppable.
A current image of my son in the new eyeglasses he got over Christmas break. Note that these are the try-on frames, which explains the writing on the lens and the tag on the bow. I think the frames fit his personality and age him, in a good way.
The movement of time is also certainly unstoppable and I am reminded of that nearly daily, but especially when I consider the growth of children.
While my son was sleeping in this past Saturday morning, I was waiting in a check-out line behind a young father, his first-born cradled in a car seat in a shopping cart. To pass the time, with the father’s permission, I began interacting with his six-month-old roly-poly baby. Jacob smiled and cooed and “talked” in that charming baby way that melts a mother’s heart. And I couldn’t help but advise the new dad to cherish these moments because, before he knew it, his boy would be all grown up, just like mine.
TELL ME, ONCE our children leave home, do we ever truly stop missing them?
AND FOR THOSE OF YOU who have lost children too soon, how do you honor them, hold close their memories, even cope?
© Copyright 2013 Audrey Kletscher Helbling
Minnesota Prairie Roots 
Aw Audrey–you went and made me cry this morning with this one!!! Darn it!!! From one momma to the other—-no—I have never stopped missing them. Mine have been gone for longer than yours and “really” gone—moved on with their lives in the big boy world. The last time I had Aaron home for the summer was the summer we moved here in 2007 and he helped me move to Iowa. Micah did not live at home after his freshman year of college so I know exactly what you mean. Which is perhaps why I treasure our family vacations together so much and keep them sacred. We have really great relationships wit our boys and it is such a great thing to see them grow up into the adults that you “hoped” they would be! I know you feel the same way about your kids and you know what??? They will always come home to Mom because of the time and energy that you invested in their raising ( and hubby, too!) and what a great feeling that is to know that you had a part in that!!! I will always miss my boys but the beauty of today is all of the ways that we can keep in touch without “hovering”! Electronics are fabulous in that way! Thanks for the sweet reminder today of the greatest job I have ever had!
OK, so now you are making me cry right back. And your boys live way farther away than any of my three. I totally agree that parenting is the best “job” ever.
Hugs! I get to see mine in a week so that makes me very happy!
Oh, Beth Ann, I’m so happy for you. That is great.
🙂 Me, too!
My children are young yet. The thought of them leaving home seems so far away. However, I can hear what you are saying and can imagine myself having similar thoughts when the day does come.
I hope your son continues to make you proud.
I thought, too, when my children were young that their adulthood seemed so far away. But, believe me, the years fly with a speed that seems impossible.
For my son, I hope mostly that he is happy and passionate about what he chooses to do in his life.
I do believe you. However, there are days where it feels like that period of life is light years away.
Totally understand as I remember also feeling like those grown-up years were eons away. Perhaps we feel that way because young children require such intense care.
I certainly think that is part of the reason.
I know so many people who have lost a child between 15 and 23 that I feel like a curse. I think my next post on my own blog will be about one of those, Hm? Yes, it will.
Anyway, And because I have two close friends whose children could not go off and because I know so many who did lose the child, I was just so grateful to have children leaving home. Also, as a high school teacher I understand fully what those children are like and what you just have to trust. My wife and I never helicopter. We both just accept life’s passages as necessary. Not that we did not miss them.
I try, really try, not to helicopter because I think we’re doing our kids a disservice by always being there to assist/direct/recommend/step in. When friends ask me what classes my son is taking in college, I just stare at them with a blank look. I don’t know. It’s his job to figure out what classes he needs, not mine.
Sometimes I tell my kids, “I should have locked you in the basement and never allowed you to go anywhere.” My second daughter, who lived in Argentina twice for a total of a year, has heard this several times and again recently as she is planning a third trip back to South America soon. I say this in jest. I purposely raised my three to be independent, even though that is not always easy for the parent.
And, Clyde, just for the record, you are a blessing, not a curse.
Kids are great when they are grown ups. I know you know this, and you will be ok again in a few days. I said to Sam when i was leaving wellington, ‘It is definitely time for me to get going, I am starting the meddle.’ He snorted. You just get used to missing them – thats all. I have always said that from the moment they are born, you are never truly blissfully selfishly happy again. The worry starts even then.It is what we do. We are mothers. All my love.. Audrey. celi
Oh, Celi, you summarized my feelings in such a graceful and truthful way. Thank you.
I love that term helicopter mum!! I will tell my kids that one.. c
That “helicopter mom” term is nothing I created; it’s been around for awhile. But, yes, if your “kids” have not heard it, they will certainly be amused.
Helicopter mom is a term educators and therapists have been using for 25 years. It escaped into the general public about 10 years ago. There is no male equivalent term, although there is an abundance of such men hovering over their sons for sports.
I was totally unaware that “helicopter” term had been around for so long. See, I always learn something new from you and that is a good thing. I agree about the many fathers who hover over their sons (and daughters) in sports. Reliving their sports glory days or what they never accomplished perhaps?
The term helicopter mom grew in popularity as the number of such parents developed. I seldom met a helicopter dad outside of sports. A child psych writer I know says parents of 50-80 years ago (and probably beyond) just let their kids grow up. Parents today, he says, manage everything and everything tells them to. The truth sure must lie somewhere in the middle. I think one of the hardest parts of parenting is stepping back, butting out, letting them fall (but not off a cliff).
That last sentence in your comment here is exactly how I feel about the most challenging aspect of parenting. As always, I appreciate your thoughts and knowledge.
Beautiful Post! Distance makes the heart stronger:) My family is scattered over 5 states and it can be tough, especially with parents who are getting older. Happy Tuesday:)
Thank you. I am fortunate to have all of my siblings and my mom living in Minnesota, although there are many times when I wish my mom was nearer than 2 1/2 hours away. My kids, unfortunately, did not grow up with that closeness to grandparents as many kids do today. Their other set of grandparents were also 2 1/2 hours away, in the opposite direction.
My son headed back to his school apartment with two weeks left in his break. He needed to get back to his routine, he said. It almost broke my heart, but I have to acknowledge that he is basically grown up now. Almost 21, doing his own cooking and cleaning in his apartment. The longer my kids are gone at a time, the easier it gets, as my husband and I fall back into our routine, But every time they leave after a visit, it breaks my heart a little bit all over again. I don’t think we do ever stop missing them.
You’re right in that our mother’s hearts break just a little bit when our kids leave. My son told me he was ready to head back to Fargo and I felt the same as you, but at the same time happy that he is seemingly adjusting to his new home/life and adult independence.
What a big strapping lad! Ten pounds 12 oz? That’s a big baby to deliver for sure. And it looks like he just kept right on growing. I’m so sorry to hear of your empty-nest syndrome. I haven’t experienced it yet as my oldest is, like your son, 19. And children here don’t go away to college, they stay at home and are day students at the universities so we don’t experience the loss of our children like you would in the USA. But Archie had a gap year and I missed him terribly while he was overseas; especially as he was loving life and having a ball and couldn’t be bothered to phone home terribly often. You are so right, Audrey, it goes by in a flash. At the time it seems an endless cycle of sleepless nights and crying kids and sick kids and breast-feeding and pregnancies and nappies and cleaning up high chairs. But it goes by in a heartbeat. You can be very proud of your son – he’s a very good looking bright young man on his way xx
Ah, Charlie, even though you have not experienced the empty-nest syndrome, you most certainly have experienced separation. I don’t know that I could have handled a gap year like you did with Archie. When my boy was gone on a Spanish class trip to Spain for 10 days during his sophomore year of high school, I struggled. But I knew letting him go was in his best interests, not mine.
Oh I hear you Audrey, That first year is soooooo hard, I remember! My oldest boy is only 1 1/2 hours away in St Paul but I think of him everyday and miss him dearly. He is married which throws in another clincher, I love my Daughter-in-love dearly but she’s the top dog now. I still get the random phone calls on his way home from work, and the visits are always nice, They stayed with us the weekend after Christmas. I will pray peace for your tender heart as you are missing Caleb, he sounds like such a great kid, and certainly has adjusted well to college life…..but it’s still hard!
Thank you, Jackie. He’s had some adjustments to make, just like me. It’s the homecomings and then the leavings which set me back. But I wouldn’t have it any other way. I understand about not being the top dog anymore. I’ve found that with my eldest, ever since she met the love of her life. While I still hear from her quite often, it’s less frequent than in the past. But I remind myself that this was my job, to raise these children of mine to be happy independent adults. I know you feel the same. But still we miss our dear children.
Oh, and I wanted to say how much I like the choice of eye glass frames, he looks very handsome and college-like
Precisely. His oldest sister said the choice of frames fit his personality and made him look smart. Just that change in frame style helped me to realize that he is an adult and no longer my boy who is still in high school. Interesting, huh, how something so simple can make such an impact.
For me, the most difficult time was when #2 son was on board a ship in the Persian Gulf as the artillery was being fired over them onto the beach. They had 3 phones they could use to phone home and on one of those calls the sounds of the explosions was almost more than I could bear! That son is now in Mexico on vacation with his wife, his young (22y.o.) married daughter is running the gas station/convenience store they own and this daughter will make son a grandfather (and me g.grandma) for the 2nd time next July! “This, too, shall pass” is the phrase I used much while the boys were growing up…..some things I wished would go by quickly, others….not so much….sigh……
Now that would be tough, dealing with a child serving in a combat zone, especially hearing explosions in the background. I wonder how mothers did it years ago, when men were drafted into the military, sent to war and no one knew where they were for months, with letters the only means of communication. At least today there are much better and quicker ways to communicate. Still, nothing except prayer can ease the worry and anxiety.
You must be very proud of your 22-year-old granddaughter running her parents’ store while they are vacationing. And how exciting that you will be a great grandma again. You just don’t look old enough to be a great grandma.
Thanks so much for the kind words! There are days when the energy is definitely sub par. I/we are very proud parents/g.parents AND g.grands….LOL!